You can get past this. How do people turn this situation around? Linda: A lot of the experts caution that even though you do come back, does the betrayed spouse want you back? One day when my H decided he was divorcing me I told him that I will never remarry so he should plan on paying alimony the rest of his life. And I am much happier this way. Disengage from all of it. Stronger yes, but much more guarded, almost jaded. I wish I had walked out in the first 60 to 90 days of his online obsession affair with someone else. A month later we went to the workshop. Maybe he feels differently, but I doubt it. I want to be me. Again, I wish SO BADLY that a few weeks ago when I asked him to leave and we left on decent terms and he reached out multiple times a day and was terrified to lose me, I wish I had stuck to that and continued to let him feel the loss of me. Doug: Youre saying thats something you shouldnt have done? But I LOVE HIM, And I love who he is, and I just dont know where that person is anymore. They are blinded by the reality of who the other man or woman really is. You cannot get anyone to see your point of view if they dont want to. I hope you can gain some perspective. Like even though right now were not reconciling, were living in limbo, together, not a couple basically, but he has still been home every night, we discuss things, he lets me know if hes running late, those type of things.I dont know. Please trust me on this (and everyone else here who would give you the same advice). Long story short, I was willing to forgive him but he couldnt cut her off. When I decided to go back to him I told myself I have forgiven him and chosen to trust him. And you are doing everything possible to give him a chance. But would go back to treating me horribly a few days later. And the next morning im upbeat and positive and ask no questions. Now? And if im there calling the shots. Weve seen on our blog where people take a couple of weeks, a month, or whatever, but it seems inevitably, the majority of them do come back for that reason. That evening my H came home, I showed him the bills and said This sh*t stops NOW! He looked remorseful, and then surprised as I took his phone, put it on speaker phone, called her and said Deanna, this is Kelly and Im calling to tell you to STOP TEXTING MY HUSBAND. To protect ourself. Even if he is talking to her. K. The other thing that I said to my H during his A and A fog and false reconciliation and the times he said he wanted a D was this. No fight. Youre right, he doesnt care, and that is unbelievably sad. You have tried everything you could. I never told you I would leave you because you were in an affair. I know how maddening that is. But right now having been through your exact situation your H cannot do what he is doing. He knew he couldnt and in the morning he told me he was staying with me. And if hes NOT worried about losing you trust me b/c I have experience in this he may continue this pattern indefinitely. Dont play his game. I feel like I hate the guy! Here are some most crucial signs of a midlife crisis that may help you to understand where you stand. Your H exhibits addict like behavior. If he holds this against you then he is a twisted and sick person and then you need to run far away. When they were done yelling she would not even acknowledge except to say Can I help you?. So why would that upset me? I am just SO NERVOUS about the next bomb dropping being him saying its finally time for a D for real this time. I just cant figure out why Im regressing in my emotional state. What makes my situation different is that my H came home and admitted the affair. Finally, we would really like to hear from you about what you think has to happen to get the cheating spouse out of the affair fog so they can begin to behave more rationally and realistically. Some spouses (women included) do not grow up and mature after they have children. I learned you cannot help anyone who will not help themselves. I think to myself that I know he sees me in a different light than he sees her, I know the type of woman I am, and the type of woman that she seems to be, and I cannot comprehend WHAT it is about her that he was willing to risk it all. It was like I was the one real real real thing in his life. Thats HIS guilty conscience talking. It makes my journey/nightmare a little less awful! But at this juncture you dont have much of a choice. But my suggestions are to get you out from dealing with his choices that undermine the M and disrespect you. He fantasized about escape. Trying to win him back. I dont know how he feels about this, but in my opinion this limbo sucks. Ive been working in the office for a new site launch at work and it feels good to be with people, but everyday around 1-2pm I would get VERY emotional. Ive had a very weird week. Not that it matters anyway. Its wholly infuriating once you realize you had so much power to fight back and didnt, and you realize they put you there and manipulated you to keep you there, too. That said, some people quite frankly dont give a damn. Its as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, many times with total disregard for the betrayed spouse. But acting them out is a whole other story. You have told him to leave but yet he does not. I feel like an annoyance. I think that is the only advice I can give. But everything elseyoud come home, and Id be there. I ask about them calmly Are you in contact with Deanna phone, text or email? Looks me dead in the eye, and without blinking says No. I cant IMAGINE lying to someone the way he has lied to me, I dont even think he sees it as lying anymore. Or stop him from cheating. I feel humiliated by it all. its exactly what I need to do, and I know it. He is going out MUCH more lately, out until 2am, even though he will text me and say hes on his way home, and then not get home until hours later. 3 months in the relationship he went on a boys trip to paris with his friends. Its crazy, some days I feel SO good, and some days I feel SO awful. Hopefully this fog clears at some point. The only contact we have is a obligatory hug every morning from him as he leaves for work before me. You are dealing with so many things narcissistic tendencies, someone not dealing in reality, porn addict etc. You are his wife. The only time it felt like he did was when I really made him leave and he felt remorseful and upset and was scared and I would barely speak to him for 4 days. In addition, I have been trying so hard that I have told her that she can keep her AP and her family too. He now has a new respect for me AND he knows I could walk out the door anytime b/c I am strong enough to do it. And I wont back down. They both state no sex but I dont believe it. And I just have to stick to my guns I guess, as hard as it is. His response? Its always women. And one day if this continues you will throw in the towel on him. I want SO BADLY to do this 180, I have moments of such confidence where I feel like im going to be fine no matter what, and then I have such moments of sadness where I feel like this is just the worst situation and will never get better and that if I feel this bad then he must too and must think our life at home is miserable, etc. 4. It I held my ground for months. He had ended just a few hours before but also told me he wanted a D the same day. You have made some very valid and crucial points: This guy is testing you (I believe he is) and not for any good reason IMO. But God forbid he ever try to prove me wrong. And he has been gone all day and of course my mind goes to wondering where he could possibly be, but I just have to get used to wondering that, bc now he wont be living here anymore. do you have any advice to what more to do? And I went along with it. I absolutely do NOT want to divorce him, I love him more than anything, but I just dont even know this person right now sometimes. And then sometimes its like I do ONE thing and he becomes irritated and I can ALREADY see the wheels turning in his mind of like wanting to get out. I needed 90 days to get my finances in order. How to shake her from the fog or how to take care of myself. I would have confronted both, demanded he move out and only let him back if I was convicted it was over! So im done. Then, you started acting like This, so what all is there to know?. This is not fair or good for you to live in limbo. I got home last night and he was home from work and he was in a great mood. I mean its not like we ever hug or anything like that, but we chat, we get the baby ready for bed, we sleep in the same bed. He may never want to work on us, especially if we continue life how it is right now. His affair had nothing to do with me or our marriage. Much better. From what you describe he has serious issues. Im working out, im a great new mom, im getting in great shape and everyone is noticing, and hes waking up most mornings hungover. The year this was going on my H came home from a business trip and I am saying we can get past this and he is saying I dont want to be married to you anymore. Why would he say it now when things were so good between us? Yeah, whatever we do is seems very wrong. Get a lawyer. I need to DO iT. I mean, there was this, and then that odd thing. Until I found out he lied and was still with the OW and telling her he was going to be with her. Midlife crisis and depression have some common symptoms, including difficulty concentrating, insomnia, irritability, and reckless behavior. I think he convinces himself of things. THAT sets a fire inside me and I just cannot help but start to ask him questions, which annoy him and he starts saying :This will never end. He is just too cowardly to say it. They believe (wrongfully) they have something special. And 2-3 days later he would tell me he wasnt sure what he wanted. Park your car at the mall or similar place where you can disappear from him easily if hes the type that would follow you, because if he knows what youre doing and you spent the evening alone, hed be even more sure of your devotion and actually become worse than he already is. I went home around an hour later and he was there cooking dinner for everyone. He finally gets it. The fog is the hardest thing to forgive and to get Hell, I wish THE FIRST TIME I saw a text from her 8 months ago I had kicked his ass out and let him see what life was like without me before the baby came. Exactly. And they looked like fools. I want him to know the door is open for him to leave, im not keeping him here. Im sorry for rambling! He may be saying Im not talking to the OW but hes not saying who he is talking to until 2 am. When theyre addicted to it like you said, can ANYTHING help them come out of it? If the symptoms are He continued to cheat. I dont know if when he gets back in town he will stay here or not. I just dont know how much longer this can last. Now in her 40s she had left it too late to have a baby and it had totally fucked her up. Everyone here will tell you the BS is powerless when it comes to the M and the CS. So now the OW wont even allow him to have anything to do with me, including any civil relationship so we can raise our kids.

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